Feeling anxious in social situations is incredibly common. You want to make a good impression, you want people to like you, and you want to feel comfortable being yourself. But when your mind races with “What if I say the wrong thing?” or “Do they think I’m awkward?”, “Are they mad at me?”, connecting with others can feel overwhelming, and it can feel difficult to cope with social anxiety.
We are here to give you a roadmap, a guide that demystifies social interactions and helps you build connections with others. Research on communication, body language, and likeability shows that small, meaningful shifts in how we show up can make a big difference in how we come across to others.
This guide brings together the science and practical strategies to help you cope with social anxiety by building confidence and connecting more comfortably with others.
Coping With Social Anxiety Guide
1. Skip the Humblebrag and Share Authentically
When you live with social anxiety, you may worry about sounding arrogant or appearing too eager. To protect against that, you might downplay your accomplishments or try to share them in a disguised way (“I’m so annoyed they made me lead that project again”).
But research from the American Psychological Association finds that humblebragging consistently backfires. Rather than sounding modest, it often comes across as inauthentic.
What to do instead: be honest and warm
Share your experience plainly, then shift the conversation toward connection.
Example
Instead of: “Ugh, I’m exhausted from being chosen for that project again.”
Try: “I was selected for a big project. It’s both exciting and nerve-racking. What kinds of things have been keeping you busy lately?”
People value genuine warmth far more than perfectly crafted self-presentation.
2. Let Your Body Language Support You
Anxiety often puts your body into “protect mode.” You might cross your arms, minimize your space, avoid eye contact, or fidget. These behaviors are completely normal, but they can inadvertently send signals of distance rather than connection.
Small, gentle adjustments can help you appear more open, and can also help your nervous system settle.
Simple, evidence-supported shifts to help you cope with social anxiety:
- Uncross your arms and soften your shoulders
- Maintain comfortable, natural eye contact
- Angle your body slightly toward the other person
- Slow your movements and minimize fidgeting
- Nod slowly or smile lightly to show you’re engaged
These are not performance tricks. They are connection cues that help your body feel safer, calmer, and more present in the moment.
3. Focus on Curiosity, Not Performance to Cope with Social Anxiety
One of the biggest challenges to coping with social anxiety is feeling like you are being evaluated. Your mind may silently ask, “How am I coming across?” or “Do they think I sound weird?”
Ellen Hendriksen describes this as “The Reveal” — the fear that others will discover something flawed about you.
But meaningful conversation is not about performing. It’s about being curious.
Flip the script with “The Curiosity Switch”
Before or during a conversation, redirect your attention outward:
Instead of:
“What do they think of me?”
Try:
“What can I learn about this person?”
Curiosity naturally lowers anxiety and makes connections easier.
Examples of curiosity-based questions:
- “How did you get into that?”
- “What do you like most about it?”
- “What’s been meaningful for you lately?”
People feel valued when someone is interested in them, and this often leads to deeper, more natural conversation.
4. Helpful Insights from How to Be Yourself
Ellen Hendriksen’s work offers several powerful, practical tools for navigating social anxiety:
• Your inner critic is usually wrong
The harsh voice telling you that you’re awkward, boring, or “too much” is not the truth. It’s anxiety trying to protect you. Naming these thoughts helps you separate fear from fact.
• Confidence comes from action, not the other way around
People often think they have to “feel confident” before they go to social events. You don’t have to wait until you feel confident to connect. Taking small steps, even while nervous, is what builds confidence over time. The more you put yourself in situations that make you uncomfortable, the less and less uncomfortable you feel over time until eventually they feel mundane.
• Drop “safety behaviors” when you can
Many people with social anxiety use subtle habits to protect themselves (avoiding eye contact, staying on their phone, rehearsing sentences). Ironically, these can make connections harder. Others might assume you don’t want to interact or that you aren’t interested in what they have to say. Reducing them gently helps you feel more genuine.
• Give yourself permission to be imperfect
Hendriksen encourages “daring to be average.” You don’t need to be extraordinary to be liked. You just need to show up as yourself.
• Friendship grows through repetition, self-disclosure, and initiative
Connection happens slowly through repeated interactions, small disclosures, and taking the lead once in a while.
5. Use Small Self-Disclosures to Build Connection
Self-disclosure doesn’t mean sharing something deeply personal. Even small, honest statements help build rapport.
Examples:
- “I also get nervous in new situations.”
- “I’m excited about this, but it feels a little overwhelming.”
- “I really enjoyed that show you mentioned.”
These small moments of authenticity create warmth and trust.
6. After a Conversation, Reflect on What Went Well
People with social anxiety often replay interactions, searching for mistakes. Instead, try to identify at least one thing that supported connection:
- “I asked a good question.”
- “I maintained eye contact longer than I expected.”
- “I showed genuine interest.”
- “I shared something about myself.”
These small wins build confidence and resilience.
7. Understanding Likeability: What the Research Shows
People with social anxiety often fear they won’t be liked, but the science tells a very different story. I frequently hear in sessions that people feel like they need to entertain or perform in social situations. However, likeability is actually much simpler than that.
Warmth matters more than performance
Research on the warmth–competence model shows that humans instinctively evaluate others based on:
- Warmth (kindness, good intentions)
- Competence (capability, reliability)
Warmth is the most important factor in likeability.
This means you don’t need flawless conversation skills. You just need to show up as open, kind, and curious.
People who like others are more well-liked
A robust psychological finding called the “reciprocity of liking” demonstrates that:
When you express liking or appreciation for others, people like you more.
Even simply noticing and naming what you appreciate in others boosts connection.
People who list more people they like tend to be rated as more likable because positivity toward others signals openness, trustworthiness, and low defensiveness.
Trustworthiness is communicated through small cues
People intuit trustworthiness nonverbally through:
- gentle eye contact
- an open posture
- mirroring (naturally, not forced)
- matching emotional tone
- engaged listening
These are simple, human ways of saying “I’m safe” — which is the foundation of every strong connection.
Final Thoughts: You Don’t Need to Be Perfect to Connect
The science is clear: connection grows from authenticity, warmth, curiosity, and small acts of courage, not from perfection or performance.
Whether you live with social anxiety every day or only in certain situations, meaningful connection is entirely possible, and often easier than you fear. With small changes in how you communicate, carry yourself, and relate to others, you can build confidence and genuine connections over time.
If you’re looking for support in coping with social anxiety, the Coping Resource Center offers therapy and evidence based treatment options to help. Learn more about our team and book an appointment today.
