A recent study found that perfectionism among college students has reached record levels. At the same time, rates of anxiety, depression, and burnout among young adults continue to climb.
At first glance, perfectionism might not seem like a problem. After all, what’s wrong with wanting to do your best?
The problem is that perfectionism is not the same thing as excellence.
Excellence is striving to do well while accepting that mistakes are part of learning. Perfectionism is believing that mistakes are unacceptable and that your worth depends on your performance.
For many students today, the pressure to succeed feels relentless. A generation ago, young people worried about grades and college admissions. Today’s students worry about grades, college admissions, internships, graduate school acceptance, social media presence, AI taking over the marketplace, future earning potential, and whether they will ever be able to afford a home.
In many ways, young adults have received the message that every decision matters and every mistake has consequences.
Why Is Perfectionism Increasing?
The Stakes Feel Higher
Many students believe there is less room for error than previous generations experienced. The cost of education has increased, career paths often feel uncertain, and competition can seem constant.
When the perceived consequences of failure increase, so does anxiety.
Social Media Creates a Never-Ending Comparison Trap
Students are exposed to carefully curated images of success every day. They see classmates receiving awards, landing internships, traveling, getting engaged, and announcing accomplishments.
What they don’t see are the struggles, disappointments, and setbacks that happen behind the scenes.
Comparison creates the illusion that everyone else is succeeding effortlessly.
Achievement Has Become Part of Identity
Many children grow up hearing praise for what they do rather than who they are.
When identity becomes tied to achievement, setbacks stop feeling like temporary disappointments and start feeling like evidence of personal failure.
Parents and Schools Often Mean Well
Most parents want to encourage their children to reach their potential. Most schools want students to succeed.
But when conversations become overly focused on outcomes, students can begin to believe that love, approval, or belonging must be earned through performance.
Moreover, parents and students have greater access to information, allowing them to devote more energy to “getting ahead.”
Signs That Striving Has Become Perfectionism
- Procrastination because starting feels overwhelming
- Excessive self-criticism
- Difficulty celebrating accomplishments
- Fear of making mistakes
- Constant comparison to others
- Anxiety that persists even after success
- Avoiding opportunities where failure is possible
Ironically, perfectionism often leads to lower performance because fear outweighs curiosity.
What Parents Can Do
Praise Effort, Not Just Outcomes
Instead of asking, “What grade did you get?”
Try asking:
- What did you learn?
- What challenged you?
- What are you proud of?
Normalize Mistakes
Children learn resilience when they see adults handle setbacks with self-compassion.
Share your own mistakes and what you learned from them.
Help Them Develop Multiple Sources of Self-Worth
A student’s identity should be larger than academics.
Friendships, hobbies, values, faith, creativity, kindness, and family all provide important foundations for self-esteem.
Model Self-Compassion
Children notice how adults respond to their own imperfections.
If we constantly criticize ourselves, they learn to do the same.
The Goal Isn’t Lower Standards
The answer to perfectionism is not lowering expectations.
The goal is to help young people pursue excellence without believing that their value as a person depends on flawless performance. The joy is in the journey, not the outcome.
Because the students who thrive over the long term are not the ones who never fail.
They’re the ones who learn that failure is something they experience, not something they are.
If perfectionism is leaving you feeling anxious, overwhelmed, or never “good enough,” you don’t have to navigate it alone. The Coping Resource Center provides supportive, evidence-based therapy to help you build self-compassion and healthier ways to cope with pressure. Reach out today to schedule an appointment and start finding balance again.
