We all get hurt sometimes.
Maybe it was a friend who broke your trust, or a family member who said something hurtful. Sometimes the pain goes away, other times, we replay the event in our head for days or even weeks.
It’s easy to hold a grudge and feel justified. If someone wronged us, shouldn’t they be the ones dealing with the consequences? The problem, however, is that the person carrying the grudge ends up suffering the most.
Research suggests that forgiveness may be one of the best things we can do for our mental and emotional well-being.
The Hidden Cost of Holding a Grudge
When someone hurts us, it’s natural to feel angry or betrayed. Those emotions can help us process what happened and protect us from getting hurt in the future. However, the trouble starts when those feelings don’t go away.
This is referred to as “unforgiveness”, a state of anger and resentment towards the person who caused the harm. Over time, these feelings can affect more than just our mood.
Research has linked chronic resentment to:
- Increased Anxiety
- Depression
- Elevated blood pressure
- Higher levels of cortisol (the stress hormone)
The emotional weight of holding a grudge can turn into a physical burden as well.
Why Forgiveness Matters
A recent study consisting of more than 200,000 people across 23 countries looked at what researchers call “Dispositional Forgiveness”, which is the tendency to forgive others as a pattern, instead of only in specific situations.
The study found that people who were generally more forgiving in life had better overall psychological well-being.
When we replay a hurtful experience in our head over and over again, our minds can stay in a state of stress long after the event happens. Forgiveness can help us redirect our attention away from resentment. Instead of ruminating, we can focus on our experiences in the present.
How to Practice Forgiveness: The REACH Method
If forgiveness sounds easier said than done, you are not alone. The good news is that psychologist Everett Worthington created a practical five-step approach to forgiveness called the REACH Method.
R – Recall The Hurt
The first step is to acknowledge what happened honestly. Decide that you aren’t going to approach this with hostility. Make the decision to begin working towards forgiveness.
E – Empathize
Try to understand the other person’s perspective and any factors that may have contributed to their actions. Recognize that people can act from their own struggles.
One exercise that can help build empathy is called “The Empty Chair Technique”, where you pretend the other person is sitting in front of you. Tell them how you feel and how their actions affected you. Then pretend you are them, talking to an imaginary you, and try to see what could have caused them to act how they did from their perspective.
This helps build empathy, which in turn helps heal the pain you are feeling.
A – Altruistic Gift
Give your forgiveness as an unselfish, altruistic gift. Most of us have benefited from being forgiven in our lives. This step involves giving forgiveness as a gift, not necessarily because the person earned it, but because you want to show the same compassion to others that you would like to receive yourself.
C – Commit to Forgiveness
Forgiveness becomes more powerful when you make a conscious decision to do it. You can write about it in a journal, talk about it with a friend, or just make a personal commitment to forgive.
This step helps to take forgiveness from an idea to an intentional choice.
H – Hold onto Forgiveness
Even after we’ve forgiven, sometimes old feelings can resurface. Reminders of what happened can bring old feelings back unexpectedly.
When this happens, remind yourself that forgiveness is a choice you’ve already committed to, even if difficult feelings return.
Moving Forward
Life pretty much guarantees that we’ll be hurt by others at some point. Conflict and misunderstanding are a part of being human.
While we can’t always control what happens to us, we can control how we handle it.
Forgiveness isn’t just letting someone off the hook; it’s about freeing yourself from the emotional toll that comes from resentment and rumination.
Forgiveness also does not mean you have to reconcile or have continued contact with someone who has harmed you. You don’t have to forget what happened. You don’t even need to trust the person again.
But learning to let go of a grudge and forgive can be one of the most meaningful gifts you can give yourself.
If you’re finding it hard to let go of resentment or work through past hurt, we’re here to help. The Coping Resource Center offers supportive, evidence-based therapy to help you move toward healing and emotional freedom. Reach out today to schedule an appointment and take the next step in caring for your mental well-being.
